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The Truth about Relationships

A standard disclaimer is necessary for this post: I’m not, in any way, shape, or form, a relationship expert. In fact, I’m writing about relationships, and I’m a single, never-been-married woman who is content with being whatever God wants me to be today. To say my life belongs to Him and then pine over what I don’t have or over what I think I want is to say He’s doing something wrong. So I’ve decided that I can whine until I’m purple in the face (in which case, I come home to an empty house and I have a purple face—which is highly unattractive), or I can be the best me that I’m supposed to be today. I make it a daily practice to choose the latter.

This past spring, my niece loaned me a great book: Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, by Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp. When you finish reading this post, please, please, please either get this for your Kindle (it’s $3.03 right now!) or order the hard copy. (I’ll post an affiliate link below so that, if you’d like to, and without paying any extra, you can help support this blog by ordering through that link.) My standard M. O. with most relationships—from friends, to family, to dating—is to begin with more gusto than I should and then run if anything gets “messy.” I had set this book aside several times, but I finally read it all the way through, and I found it to cover all kinds of relationships, all kinds of relevant Scriptures, and all kinds of examples that I’m pretty certain were based on secret notes that all my friends, family members, and past boyfriends sent the authors. Wow! But the pain was worth it. Even though I’ve already blown it big time within the last two weeks, I was reminded that grace is a necessary element of every relationship!

The book I’m in the process of reading right now is a book that I won through a contest held by the author, Mary DeMuth. I logged into Twitter one night and saw a note about the contest, completed my entry, and found out two days later that I had won—and it was truly a win! The Wall around Your Heart: How Jesus Heals You When Others Hurt You is side-by-side with Relationships: A Mess Worth Making as one of the best reads I’ve had in a long time. Again, I have recently failed miserably at applying these principles, but the truths will knock your socks off, and I’m eager for God’s grace to provide future opportunities for application. As a woman who goes all-out in what she does, it’s easy for relationships to consume me, taking the place of my wonderful God. So the arrow that took the form of the following quotation from Mary DeMuth hit me between the eyes and went straight to my heart when I read it yesterday:

The more we place expectations on people, the more idolatrous they become in our lives. We serve a jealous God who will not allow us to worship people over Him. Sometimes He moves our relationships in painful ways to remind us of this truth.

Because of several major changes taking place in my life, I’ve thought about my relationships (with friends, family, etc.) a lot lately—perhaps even over thinking them. Oddly, I kept thinking that I needed to align my thoughts on loving these individuals based on the oft-quoted I Corinthians 13 (which, indeed, should be the goal). I admit with red face that when I tried that, I felt like a failure. (Love is patient—I’m not, so therefore, I must not know how to truly love others, so why bother; love believes all things—I too often believe what I wish rather than what is true, so once again, I have not made it through the filter of this perfect standard.) For me, personally, I have actually found that I Corinthians 13 is a good relationship chapter, but Philippians 4:8 is a great relationship verse!

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. —Philippians 4:8, NLT

Instead of letting my mind filter its thoughts through what-ifs, if-onlys, “I’ll bet this is what he’s thinking,” or “I’m sure this is what she’s doing,” I must stop to think on what I know to be true. For example, while on a long-distance call with a friend, what if she says that she needs to hang up because something needs her attention, and she says she’ll call me back later that afternoon? By 6:30 p.m., she still hasn’t called. What is true is simply this: she didn’t call me back when she implied that she would. But my sin-prone mind begins to entertain thoughts like: She must be mad at me. She must not want to spend time talking with me after all. She must have lied to me just to get me off the phone. Those are not relationship-buiding thoughts. Those are negative, influenced-by-the-world-around-me thoughts that don’t align with Scripture.

Additionally, when thinking about others, we are to think on things that are honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and worthy of praise. Do I think about the admirable traits in others, or do I dwell on what I think they’ve done wrong? (This does, in fact, line up with the love ruler in I Corinthians 13, which states that love doesn’t keep account of the wrongs it has suffered. People mess up. Love keeps moving forward.) One response is based on truth; the other, on reactions to unmet expectations.

So, using one of my favorite phrases, I’m going to “bottom line it, baby.” Relationships aren’t easy—at any level. But they’re worth it. And that, my friend, is the truth.

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Here are the links to the two books I mentioned. Again, these are affiliate links, meaning that I get a little “thank you” funding from Amazon (at no additional cost to you) for sharing these links. Thank you for supporting this website/blog through your purchases!

Kindle

Paperback

Kindle

Paperback

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________________
Which element of Philippians 4:8 is hardest for you to implement?
Do you believe that God is able to help you overcome that hard-to-implement trait in your relationships?
 
By Petals from the Basket | January 12, 2014 | Uncategorized |

How’d You Get So Smart?

This past week, I turned fifty-three years old. I don’t know why, but that somehow seems monumentally older than fifty-two, and I’m living with this sense that I should now have the ability to pour forth words of wisdom and live the serene life of someone who’s got it all together. You know me—I’m doing neither.

In fact, the older I get, the more I realize that gaining wisdom is an ongoing process; it’s not a one-time event or something acquired automatically at a given age. As for that serene life, I’m not so sure I even want that. After all, pain and conflict have a way of letting us know that we’re not numb, and that we are still very much alive.

However, I confess that I do want to be wise. The Book of Proverbs in the Bible has much to say about wisdom, and it strongly emphasizes that getting wisdom is a good thing. So I’ve chosen four areas in which I want to demonstrate wisdom in the year ahead.

Spiritual wisdom:

You’d expect that from a faith-based blog writer, wouldn’t you? But it’s true. I want to be wise in where I place my trust and in how I worship my God. I want to demonstrate wisdom in how I learn about Him through church services and Bible studies. And I want to be wise by being deliberate about spending personal “God-and-I-time” with Him each day—sitting at His feet, as it were, and “listening” to the words He speaks to me from the pages of the Bible. When His wisdom finds its way into my heart, I will think wisely, live in a wise way, and speak words of wisdom.

Relational wisdom:

I’m a planner. I like to know what will happen. God knows the outcome already, so I just don’t have a clue why I get so riled up about my various relationships. I really want to have wisdom in this area, so again, I will need to be deliberate in keeping my first and most important relationship—my relationship with God—as my primary focus. That allows me to contentedly leave all other relationships under His control!

Financial wisdom:

This has been a weak area for me. I made a lot of poor choices in my twenties and thirties—You mean, money doesn’t grow on trees?—and it was an endless cycle of attempting to repair not only my habits but the ensuing damage. However, by God’s almighty grace, I now live with the knowledge that stuff is just stuff—it has lost its once-powerful allure, and it no longer enslaves me! But that freedom is based on daily, minute-by-minute choices to be a wise steward with what He entrusts to me. By the way, this includes implementing wisdom in how I use the skills—both business skills and personal talents—that I have been given. Who cares if I die wealthy? No one. Who cares if I made a difference through wise use of my funds, talents, and resources? Those whose lives were impacted by their wise use.

Physical wisdom:

I can’t even believe I’m confessing this on a public blog, but…here goes. I’m currently a lousy representation of physical wisdom. Lousy—times seven! Though my explanations of the weight I’ve gained in recent years are solid (erratic eating habits, sitting at a computer for the majority of the day, age, post-surgery body, blah-blah-blah…), the excuses are weak. They clearly portray my unwise choices in what I eat, when I eat it, and how I eat it. So, in the year ahead—and for many years to come, God willing—I’m deliberately choosing wisely, exercising, and remembering that I need to be and feel my best so that nothing—especially not embarrassment about “letting myself go”—distracts me from being wise in all the other areas.

So at the end of my life, when someone asks—and I hope they’ll be able to ask this—”How’d You Get So Smart?” I hope I’ll be able to say that, in 2014, I utilized God-given wisdom by making God-honoring choices.

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________________
In what areas do you most need to find wisdom?
What steps are you taking to help you make wise choices?
 
By Petals from the Basket | January 11, 2014 | Bible Reading, Friends, God-and-I-Time, Ideas, Life Changes |

The Danger of the Backward Glance

When my nephew was about ten years old, he was running backward (for a school activity), fell, and severely broke his wrist. He’s now headed to med school—so that tells you the time span for this—but through the years, I have been reminded often of this event and have thought about the foolishness of running backward when we are meant to move forward.

Yes, it’s true that we look to the past for lessons (both painful and joyful), for experiences, and for the people and friendships that walked through them with us. But do an experiment for me, will you? Stop right now and turn your head as far as you can to look behind you. In fact, after making sure you have a clear path in front of you, try to walk forward while looking backward. When you’re done, come pick back up at the next paragraph. No hurry…I’ll wait…!

Unless you’re a uniquely gifted contortionist, you probably found the same two things to be true that I did:

The view is partially obstructed when you try to look backward.

No matter how hard you try, you don’t get the big picture when you’re attempting to turn your neck as far to one side as you can. When I spend my days looking at how things were, at how they should have been, or at what happened in the past—even when I think what happened was great—I tend to lose the big picture. I see only the elements I want to see or need to see. My futile attempts to gaze upon what I long to hold onto—whether joy or bitterness, anger or delight—are only partial in their perspective.

I neglect to see that on the other side of that element is the hand of God, lovingly orchestrating the events or the individuals in such a way that my life would benefit, in that given moment, from their influence and for the purpose of propelling me forward. But when my focus is skewed by emotions or unmet expectations, causing me to glance backward with a longing that is no longer a part of the plan for my present, I am missing out on the delight of what that moment, event, or individual did to help guide me into the present moment.

Hebrews 12:2 reminds us to look to Jesus—not to look back at Jesus! He is in front of us, leading the way, with the entire big picture in view! That results in a trust that longs to keep a forward look!

It’s difficult to move forward when you’re looking backward.

In fact, when you’re worried about stumbling over what’s in front of you, it can consume your thoughts, preventing you from moving either forward or backward. You just stand there, paralyzed—afraid to take the next step, because your glance is backward, but your body is headed forward. It’s awkward. It’s frightening. And…it’s unnecessary. Turn your head—your mind, your heart, your focus—and take a good look at where you are and where you want to go. Then keep looking at that goal—and go there!

In the Bible, the author Paul, who had a past that was as sordid and bitterness-inducing as they come, wrote these words in Philippians 3:13-14: “No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”

So, learn from the past, embrace the events and individuals from the past who have influenced and made an impact on your present, and then keep a forward focus, eyes fixed on Jesus, pressing toward the goal of being what He wants you to be and doing what He wants you to do today, walking with joyful anticipation down whatever path He has planned for your future!

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Are you allowing the past to obstruct your view of the present and the future?
How can you apply this to your life today? How will you apply this to your life today?
 
By Petals from the Basket | January 11, 2014 | Family, Friends, God-and-I-Time, Life Changes |

God’s Fresh Blanket of Grace

I am currently under the nearly hypnotic spell of new-fallen snow! From the start, I’ll confess that I love looking at the snow through the windows, but I strongly dislike being in the snow. (Hate is such a cruel-sounding word to use for something so beautiful, but it’s probably more nearly accurate than strongly dislike.)

The still-growing covering of white has a calming effect on me. For some reason, snow is, to me, a visual reminder of God’s grace. True, when I’m shoveling the area missed by the plows and freezing my little tookus off, I’m focused more on the cold and blustery elements of it! However, through my heart’s lens, it just has “God’s grace” written all over it.

It covers the dark brown, “dead” grass, making it no longer visible and allowing it to no longer be a reminder to all who see it that growth has ceased. In fact, it not only covers what is no longer thriving, it works its way down into the soil, renewing the ability for growth, bringing hope of new or revived life.

This is precisely what God’s grace does! It covers what is spiritually lifeless because of selfish choices and sinful actions, works its way into the heart of the believer, and brings about a renewal of hope!

There is a cozy feeling about looking out at the snow from behind the glass that separates the cold from the security of a warm home. And there is an even greater sense of security and hope that comes when I see that snow as a visual reminder of God’s fresh blanket of grace!

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the blog posts—no spam—and we won’t give your information to anyone else!
In fact, you can unsubscribe at any time, and we’ll still be friends!
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By Petals from the Basket | January 5, 2014 | Life Changes |

The Paralyzing Power of an Internal Error

On November 28th, I decided to update the look and feel of this blog. It was tired-sounding and tired-looking, and I was tired of looking at it. So I clicked what I thought to be the right button and quickly discovered that it was the wrong button. I could see the website just as plain as day; I just couldn’t access the internal workings, which kept me from posting, updating, communicating through the blog, and connecting with the many friends I’ve made through this site. The site was literally paralyzed by one simple click. Moving forward was not an option.

During the month of December, I kept thinking: I need to fix that problem, but I don’t know what to do…so I’ll do nothing until I know exactly what to do.

Allow me to insert here that the word I selected as my theme for this year is DELIBERATE—choosing to be intentional about what goes into my mind and my heart so that I can be intentional in what I think about, what I do, how I build my relationships both socially and professionally, and what the resulting DELIBERATE actions, thoughts, and words will be!

That said, I realized yesterday that I was already—only three days into the new year—being anything but deliberate about how I was facing the internal error with this website. So, do you know what I did? I checked the online manual for any assistance it might provide. [Eh…no…I didn’t think to do that earlier. I was too busy trying to “solve” it on my own or too busy ignoring the problem and procrastinating the “work” it would take to fix it.]

On the FAQs (frequently asked questions) page, there was a one-step solution to my erroneous click—one simple step. And as you can see, it worked!

Sadly, this is all too often exactly what happens in my spiritual life. I make an error—i.e., I sin against a holy God—and it paralyzes me. I think: I need to take care of this the right way, so I’ll take time to do that later today…or tomorrow…or whenever it is convenient for me. 

Before long, my spiritual life is “paralyzed”—I’m unable to make forward progress, and I can try every possible human “solution” without a resolution to my “internal error.”

But when I stop to read the manual, written by my Creator to guide me through (not around) the trials that come, I find a simple one-step solution that releases me from the paralyzing power of my problems—one simple step: “Follow me.” [Read: John 21:15-22.] Why didn’t I just open this spiritual manual in the first place? Pride, procrastination, and wrong priorities too often keep me from the forward momentum He intends for me to maintain. My amazing God has the answers, but it’s even better than that: He walks me through them and leads the way, freeing me from the paralysis caused by fear, backward glances, and choices that were not intentional in their purpose. Then, and only then, am I free to move forward, take heaven-ordered risks, and enjoy a fully functioning life of God’s best for this year, this day—this moment.

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Thanks for taking time to read “The Paralyzing Power of an Internal Error.”

Have you chosen your theme or theme word for 2014 yet? I’d love for you

to share it in the comments below!

By Petals from the Basket | January 4, 2014 | Bible Reading, God-and-I-Time, Life Changes |