I’m staring at this blank box on the screen into which I’m supposed to type inspirational, soul-stirring, life-changing words. I’m wondering how, when I feel so stripped of the ability to “have it all together,” I’m supposed to create even a properly structured sentence. My very spirit feels empty, and my ability to cry out to those around me seems fruitless since they are carrying the same burdens and longing for the question marks to disappear and the exclamation points to return.
It’s part of the ups and downs that come when a loved one is in hospice care. Uncertainty surrounds everything: Will my loved one still be here tomorrow? Will this forward progress continue for my loved one and give strength that we didn’t think possible? How can I help my loved one maintain his joy when his daily routine allows for so little movement? What will happen…after? What should I be doing before…? How long will “before…” last? Was that a breath?
For those who may not know, my father began home hospice care on August 20th. (After reading this post, feel free to click here to read updates on his health.) Right about that same time, my mom and I published our Bible study book, But God. So tonight, between the two previous paragraphs (when I was just pouring out my heart with no certainty where my writing would lead me) and the drying of my tears before starting this one, I decided to look through the book again—not as a coauthor but as a reader. As I mindlessly skimmed the pages, I kept simply repeating the title over and over in my mind: But God…But God…But God.
In a subtle demonstration of simply giving up, I closed the book and laid it on the floor next to my chair. It was then that the continuation of the title hit my heart—the heart of one who had actually coauthored the book to encourage other women—and I read the words “Question Mark or Exclamation Point?” In a case of tasting my own medicine, I was reminded that the difference comes in those two little words that wouldn’t leave my mind: But God.
Yes, the question marks will remain regarding what happens next for my father, for my mother, for my family, for our friends, for me—for you. But in the midst of those uncertainties, one exclamatory element remains: But God!
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:26, NIV)!
Dearest Brenda:
You were on my heart this morning during my prayer time, and I lifted you to the Lord. Now as I read your post I see why God laid you on my heart. Thank you for your example of love, and for sharing your journey with us. As I read your post this morning, Carolyn Mahaney’s post from yesterday came to mind. I hope it encourages you as it did me… keep trusting and walking by faith! Much love! Micah 4:5 <3
http://www.girltalkhome.com/blog/darkness-gives-us-a-choice/
Oh, Jennifer, thank you for following God’s promptings to pray. Your prayers mean the world to all of us! Thanks also for sharing Carolyn Mahaney’s post. I’m an avid follower who hasn’t had much time for outside reading this past week, so I entirely missed this one. Will read it right away! I’m so glad for our shared time in Detroit that has led to a continued connection and friendship! Love you, my friend!
Ah, Dear lady! Praying for God’s grace, strength, and peace in this difficult time. But for God, we would be helpless and alone. What a comfort to know that neither condition is true. Hugs from Ohio!
I actually think I felt that hug across the state line, Sharon! Thank you, dear friend, for your note and your prayers! I’m sooooo thankful for you!
Brenda, not only do you have a gift, you are a gift! Thank you for sharing you love for helping, your struggle with the inevitable, your faith in the everlasting future, and most of all your heart. You are loved by so many, as are your parents. Thank you for keeping on, and sharing your steps in doing so. Much love and many prayers for you all— the Rabes
Dale and Cindy, being reconnected to you all after all these years is a treasure that reminds me of the wonderful blessing technology is! Thank you, friends, for your prayers, the love you sent our way in your sweet note, and your continued friendship.
Thanks for this, sweet Brenda. Praying for you tonight, here across the Pacific. xo
My dear friend, Katie, so many nights I have prayed for you all as you start your day in Hawaii, and so I sincerely appreciate your prayers for us! Your friendship is a heart-warming one for me! Love you!